The Loneliest Pipe In Brooklyn
A Nintendo Noir
by dustin franklin

I’m standing here, staring down a large green pipe that recently sprouted out of the middle of livingroom, and suddenly I feel the urge to rethink my priorities. You see, you get to a point like this, where you look back on your life and there is only one question behind you: Should I jump in? Should I go for broke and give it all I have? Should I risk everything? And you can either man up and face the unknown, or be content with average.

My choices were layed out right in front of me. The little dude in the mushroom hat said that once I go there's no turning back.  That's what really scares me. And there are so many things to consider! This is the unknown we're talking about here. And what about her? The Princess.  She needs my help. Someone needs me for something besides a leaky drain. Multiple lives? Gold! Adventure! Interdimensional travel! Even the opportunity to come face to face with evil has its advantages – no matter what color shell it wears-

Mama Mia! Listen to me going on like you have any idea what I'm talking about. I must sound like a psychopath! You have to excuse my rude behavior, friend, it's been a long weekend. I'm not saying that if I start from the beginning you'll be able to make any more sense outa this, but at least you'll know the whole tale. And if I never come back, you'll be there to tell my story.

It all started two days ago…

“I’ve never done anything like this, Mr. Toad. I’m a little rusty, but I think I can manage.” That’s what I told their representative when he asked if I was interested in taking the job.

Standing there twirling my mustache, I knew it was a bold statement to make, but what’s a guy to do? When he showed me her picture my heart melted as fast as a hair-clog drenched in drain-cleaner – she was an angel. Eyes that sparkled like diamonds. Beautiful blond hair that I could just picture running through my white-gloved fingers. She was the whole package…

Wait, I’m getting way ahead of myself. Let’s jump back.

You have to consider the surprise factor.

This wasn't your average, run of the mill RotoRooter type stuff here – I mean, this was like an episode of The Twilight Zone! There I was, fixing Mrs. Pennington’s plumbing and poof, I’m face to face with a talking mushroom. That’s right, paisano! He came right out of the toilette and shook my hand! There was a loud popping noise, and I went rigid to prepare for the gush of water that often results from a broken main but what do I see instead?

A mushroom man who called himself Toad.

Now I must admit I was shocked but not to the point of completely shutting down – being a plumber for over fifteen years, I’d seen worse looking things come out of toilets than this little fella. So I guess you could say I took it better than most. Either way, a man has certain expectations and when you ripple them, you can hit him with anything and he’s likely to agree.

“You know there could be risks involved with this particular case - even for a Plumber of your experience, Mr. Mario. But we have faith that you are capable of getting the job done, sir.” It whispered back.

At that point I just nodded.

I wasn’t concerned with the risks. Risks I could handle. My apartment bill, on the other hand, was likely to be the end of me if I didn’t take care of it soon. And this guy made it clear that I could keep all the gold coins I found in his “Mushroom Kingdom” – so long as I brought the princess back unscathed. I mean is that a win/win deal or what? And apparently this place had so much gold they didn't know what to do with it!

“You mentioned some sort of special technology. How does it work?” I had to ask. Before I knew anything else, I wanted to know how they would help me. I was over the whole “astonishment factor” three seconds after we first met. I was calm and collected – and I wanted the facts.

“Three to get you started.” It blinked again, studying my face from all angles as if it had never seen a human before.

“Three? Three what? Three hundred bucks?”

“No. You will receive no money up front. Gold, although harnessed as energy in certain sciences, is useless in our realm as far as currency is concerned. People usually just toss it out or or sell it to the bricklayers. They've managed to figure out a way to incorporate it into their structures one way or another. But I'm no mason, Mr. Mario.” He smiled. “No, the three I was referring to is chances.”

“Listen, I’m a plumber – not some doctor.” I almost laughed at the thought of myself in a doctor’s outfit. Dr. Mario? Not in a million years! “I don’t do riddles. Explain chances...”

“Lives, Mr. Mario.” Toad folded its briefcase shut and stared at me with two beady eyes that glowed like snowcapped mountains under his red spotted hat. “You will be granted use of the resurrection machine 2 times. If you die, we will bring you back. But only twice.’

“Only twice?” My mind wondered at the possibilities. What would it feel like? Would I remember what happened before I died? Could I trust them with my life? Of all the questions that buzzed under my red cap, one screamed the loudest. “Then what?”

Toad laughed. “Well, Mr. Mario, to put it succinctly: GAME OVER.”

I shook my head. The reality hit me. “What if I needed just one extra life – you know, to get the job done?”

“That brings us back to the other use of gold I was telling you about. Energy and science and the like.” Toad stood up and straightened his cap. “If you wish, you can trade in 100 of your gold coins for an extra life. You see, the machine uses gold for fuel – that’s what I meant by harnessed energy earlier. But you must be hush-hush when it comes to all of this information, Mr. Mario – we wouldn’t want the entire Mushroom Kingdom bursting into the castle demanding to use the resurrection device, now would we? That would be anarchy and we can't have that. This is a one man operation.”

“Not to worry, Toad.” I winked. “Once I get down there, I won’t say a thing, I promise.”

Toad nodded. “An outside agent will be contacting you shortly. If you decide to make the jump, we’ll send a pipe to your house ASAP. Thank you for your time.”

He climbed into the toilet and I didn’t see him again.

Just like that he was gone.

And so here I am. When he said “We’ll send a pipe to your house...” I thought he was speaking metaphorically. You can imagine my surprise when a giant green pipe sprouted out of my living room floor, crushing my potted plant collection. Yeah, it's a real mess.

But now it’s time, friends. Here I stand, hovering between two realities on the loneliest pipe in Brooklyn. Do I jump?

And what is this I feel inside me? Why am I drawn to this other realm? Is it really the prospect for riches or something else? Am I, to quote something a great guy once said, “a middle aged man with a strong sense of justice”? Maybe I saw something in that princess’s eyes that I’ve never seen before…

I think I'm going to do it, friends. I mean, who would pass up on an opportunity like this? Being a good plumber and living a comfortable life is one thing, a good thing, but this? I could make a difference! I could be known the world over for my adventures into the unknown. I could be a hero.

It's been nice knowing you, kid. Remember, if you don't hear from me, that at least one man chose what's right over what's convenient. See you on the other side...